Wednesday, September 25, 2002 THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY I LEFT DAVE BROWNS WEDDING RIGHT AFTER DINNER.
10. I was seated at table #10
9. I was the only person at my table that went to the wedding
8. The only single girl without a date was the 8-year-old flower girl
7. The guy sitting to my right was drunk and very talkative but not real bright
6. I only knew the bride and groom and groom’s parents
5. The only single girl without a date was the 8-year-old flower girl
4. The guy sitting to my right was boring
3. Mista Jazz, Juicefruit and Diane were hangin out at the Penguin.
2. The only single girl without a date was the 8-year-old flower girl
1. The 8-year-old flower girl turned me down for a dance
Tuesday, September 17, 2002 Meat me halfway
As I slam down a double shot of tequila, my friend across the table asked me: “You remember last month when you said you were gonna stop drinking?” I replied: “You remember last week when you said you were gonna stop-eating meat?” As he bites into his burger.
Flash back to last week:
Me: Robin, why are you going veggie?
NewGuy: Me too, cause of how that treat animals.
Robin; Did you know that they rip the beaks off of chicks while they are still alive? Its because they are kept in large number, I small places. And they would peck each other.
Me: The bastards. That pecking is what makes the delicious chickens so tender.
Nation: Are you gonna be vegan?
NewGuy: No. Vegans are stupid.
Me: Oh really? Why do you think that?
NewGuy: Vegans don’t eat dairy. That is just stupid. I mean think about it. CHEESE! No cheese? Could you go with out cheese?(Pointing a finger of accusation at me)
Me: I’m not the jackass that is going with out meat.
Thursday, September 12, 2002 Karaokee
My version of the Humpty Dance ended like this”
WHITE PEOPLE DO THE HUMPTY HUMP , DO THE HUMPTY HUMP
LIBRARIANS DO THE HUMPTY HUMP, DO THE HUMPTY HUMP
HILLBILLYS DO THE HUMPTY HUMP, DO THE HUMPTY HUMP
BLACK PEOPLE, DO THE HUMPTY HUMP, DO THE HUMPTY HUMP
ARE THERE ANY BLACK PEOPLE IN HERE TONIGHT, ANYONE?
SAMOANS DO THE HUMPTY HUMP, DO THE HUMPTY HUMP
YES YES OF COURSE AMERICANS DO THE HUMPTY HUMP
YAH YAH THE CHINESE AND THE MEXICANS
OK EVERYBODY BUT AL-QA’IDA DO THE HUMPTY HUMP
Wednesday, September 11, 2002 The Jew Drop-in
Many friends from high school were in town this past weekend because they were having their 10-year reunion (they were a year ahead of me). I knew which friend would be in town and I knew which ones I wanted to see out of that group. But Saturday evening I got a surprise phone call. JewBoy called to let me know that at the last minute he decided to come in to town for the reunion. So I told him that JP had planned on calling me when the party starts to break up and that he should call me if he leaves early.
Around 10:30 that night JP called and after trying to refresh everyone memory I decided that I should just go to them and then they could all follow me somewhere for drinks/food. JewBoy just road with me. We went to Athens for a bite and then the crowd shrank. All the married folks headed home/hotel. The single people and those who’s spouses didn’t come, went to Dixie’s Tavern, “where Gastonia comes to play” (Mista Jazz). The remaining 5; myself, JewBoy, and JP included, all had a few drinks and a good time making fun of the regulars. The girls were tramptastic. We almost closed the place, but we left right at last call.
Thursday, September 05, 2002 Line of the night
Nation to new guy over a heated game of SEGA Tennis 2K2: "eat a dick"
Wednesday, September 04, 2002 “as I looked at Laura I could only see her body and from this angle it looks like her head is under the loveseat”
My brother came over to the house last night and he an I were talking to our mother on the middle floor of our 3 level townhouse. The conversation was broken by the sound of my cousin’s girlfriend screaming and the sound of pounding on the floor above us. I rush up the stairs (NOTE: my cousin has seizures from time to time) thinking that Laura has been around for many of Bills seizures, is this how she reaches to all of them? Or is she in the way of his movements and maybe getting her by him. Either way I just hope they are both dressed, these are not people you want to see naked.
I open the door. Bill is standing over Laura’s screaming body with the phone in his hand. He hangs up as soon as he sees me. What happen? I said, as I looked at Laura I could only see her body and from this angle it looks like her head is under the loveseat in Bill’s bedroom. So I move into the room to lift the loveseat and the screams change to I BROKE MY ARM!! I BROKE MY ARM!! I BROKE MY ARM!! I BROKE MY ARM!! Her Head is right next to the loveseat not under it. Bill replies we were wrestling. My Mom enters the room now.
After mom enters the room Laura calms down. And we talk to her enough to figure out that she has dislocated her shoulder. My Mom calls her parents and tells them what is going on (NOTE: Laura’s mom is a RN). Her dad said that he would leave for our house as soon as his wife gets home, in about 20 mins. Mom ices down Laura’s shoulder and Mike and I head down to the bottom floor to play NBA 2K2. Till we are need of course.
As Mike and I when down stairs and talked about this bizarre event, the police arrive and my mom shows them to the top floor so they could check on Laura. It turns out that Bill had called 911 and then hung up when I entered the room. They heard the screaming and sent two patrol cars.
Mike leaves after we stomp the KINGS in 2 on 2 street ball. BOODISSY RULES!!!!!! Laura’s parents arrive shortly after that and then take her to the hospital. An hour after they leave I go up to check on my cousin. He is in bed with the lights off but still awake. I try to tell him that she is gonna be ok and I was the right thing for him not to go to the hospital with them (NOTE: He can’t drive so they would have to bring him back to our house). I head back to the bottom floor and watch The Simpsons.
Sunday, September 01, 2002 Hippies have no humor
After a day of rafting, and an evening walking around the town of Asheville, I was quite tired. I changed in to my PJs and got into bed at the Sleep Inn (I like that name) near Asheville. After watching Crash (Kevin Costner) give his what I believe-in speech in the movie Bull Durham, my hotel roommate (mista jazz) and I called it a night.
I awake to great pain in my right shoulder. Its 3:22am. I figure out that I don't have any aspirin. So, dressed in running shorts and a t-shirt, I leave my room and head for the front desk. Two natives are behind the desk one training the other. I approach them and one asks me if he can help me.
Me: I just came down to get a jump on the continental breakfast.
Desk guy one: confused look only Desk guy two: Sir, the continental breakfast does not start till 6:00am.
Me: I'm just kidding guys... do you have any aspirin or is there a vending machine that I can use?
Desk guy one: No sir, we don't have that here.
Me: I grab a dollar out of my wallet and set it on the desk, and in what I thought was a joking tone say What about now?
Desk guys one & two: confused looks only
Me: Thanks guys. Have a good night.
Desk guy one: Uh, ok you too sir.
I got back to my room and went to bed. Soon I past out from the pain. Thinking that these guys have smoked away their sense of humor.
